Away Day - Cone 07.01.23

WE HAVEN’T HAD an awayday blog since the first trip of the season to Skelmersdale (or Burscough) back in August. This is a ma-hoo-sive shame because we’ve had several TOP TRIPS this season – Workington on a Tuesday night; Glossop on a bank holiday; City of Liverpool (or Bootle); Nudity at Northwich (or Barnton…) Tuesday night last minute winner at Clitheroe, Widnes (less said…); Hanley Town was awesome… But no one bothered to write a blog. Even Spenno, sports journalist, couldn’t come up with the goods!

And so with 2023 upon us, we need to UP OUR GAME. I’m sure the team’s results on the pitch mirror the quality of the supporters’ blogs off it… obviously… so here we go, new year/new start and all that.

Colne FC: A few questions were raised as to whether a bus would be going, like we had for the famous “wig day” in 2019. Unfortunately it was all a bit last minute so we ended up taking a number of motor cars up the hill to Holt House, the slopey pitched stadium of Colne FC.

Once we’d got a round in then decided who exactly was gonna be driving back, those that knew they did NOT have to drive got more rounds served in Colne’s very own branded plastic glasses (£2 deposit – absolute money spinner for the skint students amongst us who collected several from the floor/bins after the game!)

Taking up our position just beyond the main stand, we noticed that our yellow shirted heroes had a new name in the line up – Eliot Goldthorp. A quick Google revealed a career in America, cue “Well I hope he’s got his goddam soccer cleats for a muddy field today!” and all manner of US Socccer Guy-isms (“hope he shoots the soccer ball into the goalnets with a deathstrike!”) until more of his Google info was read and it turns out he’s from Bradford…….

Anyway, a new song was aired “Goldthooorrrrp (der-deerrrr-der!) He’s the man, the man with the midas touch!” (apologies to Shirley Bassey). I tell you what, we’re 2-&-half years into Mike Burke’s Trafford career and we’re still scratching our heads for a song for the man… yet a newbie gets one in 2-&-half minutes!

So to the game – 1^st half: The Butcher should’ve had a penalty; The Belcher’s shot crashes off the bar and lands about TEN FOOT over the line but doesn’t get given; Burkey hits the bar, and Colne’s keeper pulls off some decent saves, 0-0 at half time. At this point we watched Colne’s mascots do their dancing on the pitch - A lion, yep we get that, very good…. But the other mascot….? What was it? A blue bay leaf or something???!!!

Colne’s “Red Army” always stay at the Rugby Club end of the stadium for the whole game – none of this swapping ends at half time with them. This always makes an awayday at Colne an interesting sing-off for 45 minutes as we share a stand with the homies. It’s even more interesting if this coincides with the 2^nd half, because both sets of fans have had a few by then, and the noise levels go up a notch or two. Anyway, the Red Army very kindly serenaded us with “Trafford get battered, everywhere they go” but we didn’t rise to it, and just got stuck into the full TFC songbook repertoire with percussive accompaniment courtesy of non-stop rhythmical kicks to the sheeting on the back of the stand. When The Butcher put us 1-0 up after about 5 minutes of the half, then The Belcher doubled our lead 10 minutes later, we were in our element!

Sadly, we then shot ourselves in the feet – “Jingle bells…..” (Trafford win away version) was immediately responded to by Colne pulling a goal back; Then, worst of the LOT, a certain K-head committed that heinous crime the Tarzan Yelp… and Colne immediately equalised! The perpetrator himself instantly said “That’s it – Tarzan is BANNED!” hooray – something some of us had been trying to do for YEARS!

The last 10 minutes was us doing the 12 inch version of “Everywhere” with that backwall metal sheeting taking a good pounding. The whistle went and we’d somehow managed to let Colne do to us what we did to Glossop last week – come back from 0-2 behind to draw 2-2. Amazing how one 2-2 draw can feel so joyous, then the following week the same result is a bit of a blow! We clapped DC and the boys off, then listened to The Red Army’s main man singing “you must have come in a taxi” (Number 14 in “footy song bingo”). To be fair, they’re a good bunch the Colne fans, and we all shook hands, hugged, swapped shirts and shared a big sloppy kiss at the end (maybe not the last two).

And with that, we headed back to Urmsterdam in our taxis for a well earned Greggs sausage roll or four.

(Written by Ernst Stavro Goldfinger – aka Midas on the Storm)